Life of an emotional cripple

Perpetually sorry

2008-10-13T03:55:00.000-07:00

There is a thin line between being genuinely sorry and apologising for your own existence. Ever been in a situation where you feel like you are perpetually sorry? When you feel hurt, angry, anything, you are made to feel like you do not have the right to your feelings. As a result, you end up apologising for your feelings. Eventually, all feelings, good and bad, start to seem unjust. You deny yourself of the right to feel anything. You deny yourself of the right to be human.

I have completely lost the ability to distinguish between the two. I do not know anymore where the line lies or which side of it I am on. Saying sorry for numerous times in a conversation was never my style. Apologising for things I felt was even less my style. Yet, I find myself doing it all the time these days. Am I really that awful of a person that all I should do is apologise for the way I am feeling? Am I really only having feelings, which are unfair towards others and unjust? Are they always just that, unjust? Or have I just become so insecure that I have to apologise for my very existence?

I always thought all feelings were justified by their existence. What one does about the feelings may or may not be justified, that is up for debate. However, one feels a certain way about things because of a variety of reasons. Something that upsets me immensely, might not have any effect on another person because our life experiences are different. We are completely different people, who perceive things in different ways. Under any circumstances, one does not have the right to take away a person's right to feel. How does one define what is a "wrong feeling", the kind of feeling you are not allowed to have? And please, I am not talking about the sort of feelings little children awake in paedophiles, so stop right there.

Even if I am not pleased about the fact that someone has been hurt by something that I have done (especially when I would rather think that I have been "right"), I must give that person the space and opportunity to feel hurt. What is the gain in trying to tell the person that you have no reason or right to feel hurt for what I did? I do not see there being any gain what so ever. Instead, I see there being loss. In the long run, one builds up frustrations and bitterness for being denied the right to feel.

There are times when you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall. When even the most direct of approaches does not work, when nothing you say is accepted. Eventually, you end up in a place where you feel guilty for everything you do. With that guilt on your conscience, you just cannot help but to feel perpetually sorry.

Cleaning.

2008-10-13T03:36:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure that people will not find their way back to reading my blog since it has been forever since I posted actively. Luckily, it does not matter because I have a feeling that I have to write. A feeling I have not had for a very long time. For two years now, I have been perfecting my skills in academic writing while producing gazillions of papers for school. During that time I have not written down a single word with creativity and self-expression in mind. It has been like slow suicide. Something that used to be a necessity for life became an evil, which I avoided. Again, as before, I cannot promise any kind of regularity in posting or high-quality writing.

A lot of the old posts were deleted. I felt like it had to be done, so that I could start writing again. I had to clean that table. The posts that remain are the ones that are at least somewhat neutral. But I have the old posts saved on my computer. Just so that I never forget who I have been, where I come from and where I am going to.

Bad habbit

2007-11-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

Some things in life provide endless comfort. Like a bottle of redwine with a cigarette. Untill they are finished.
There are some things in life that you think will last. At least as long as you yourself will last. Untill they cease to exist.

It seems like the only thing that does not run out before me is my stupidity, my bad habbit of never getting anything right.

Feel-Eel

2007-06-14T04:52:00.000-07:00

Who was I to fool you? Yet I fooled myself.
What more am I than a poet? I am not an artist, I am not an expert.
I have no skill, I have no talent. To you it was very apparent.
The only thing I know - it's a useless way to show - my thoughts, what I feel.
You see, I do not think, I merely feel.
And what I have is the most useless of skills.
What is this so called skill that gives me no thrill?
I write. Word. Letter. Nothing better.
Over-rationalising my every emotion.
Making each one a grand notion.
I write pretty little words of how I feel.
But do I really feel? Other than the feeling of wanting to be like the rest.
To feel...
It must be blessed.

Ego, Go, O!

2007-03-07T01:10:00.000-08:00

Last summer I wrote a post on selfishness. Around two months after that I got into a dicussion with someone on egos and egoism. Ever since that discussion I have been bothered by egos and what they actually are and most of all what we mean when we talk about them. I want to get into the bottom of this issue right here, right now. In the computer room of my school while being pissed off to have come here this morning to attend a lecture which was cancelled.
So, to start from the basics I will look into the sick mind of Sigmund Freud. He believed that the human self (or maybe even the animal self, how would I know) was divided into three parts. It consists of three components, which are the Ego, the Superego and the Id. These, let's call them building blocks, of the human psyche seem very random at first glance. What is this division based on? I do not know if I have the kind of patience it takes to read such extensive quantities of Freudian perversions, therefore I will let Wikipedia be my friend in this time of need. Indeed.
Firstly, I would like to point out that the word 'ego' is the first person singular personal pronoun in both Latin and Ancient Greek. When looking at the word's original meaning, it appears to be rather neutral. I would not dare to call the word 'I' negative nor positive. It just is. But the connotations the word ego have in its current use are multiple.

So what does this 'ego' Freud the Pervert was talking about mean?
Sigmund liked to use the iceberg analogy to describe the human psyche and I shall do the same. My sources (oh, my beloved Google!) tell me that the ego could be understood as the visible part of the iceberg, i.e. the part above the water line. Not the part visible to scuba-divers, that is something else. I firmly believe that is where dirty little Sigmund liked to spend most of his time - under the water. The active scuba-diver he was. Oh, Sigmund!

Negative so far? Positive?

I would still call the term and what is behind it rather neutral.

Let me make all of you rationalists of the world (who do not read my blog) think 'ego' is the most beautiful word that ever existed!

Apparently, my pervy partner in this particular crime, Sigmund believed that the ego represents rationality, good sense, reason and rational self-control. All things completely unfamiliar to me but who am I to argue with my homeboy Sig.

Sounds positive, right?

But I believe my favourite definition BROUGHT TO YOU BY GOOGLE! was "psychology jargon. use pride and proud instead."

Negative?

Not negative enough at least.

Funny?

Like hell.

Okay, so we can talk about the ego as the consciousness of one's own identity or as the conscious mind. But how interesting is that really? Not very. We, modern Westerners, want blood, vomit, shit and intestines! And what do we get? What we ordered! Otherwise there would be a reclamation letter headed my way soon. Customer services is my company's top priority. That is also why my business is understaffed and underpaid and my employees hate all the customers.

Now I will give the Princeton online dictionary a chance to prove what it is made of.
ego: an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others.
Now, that is what I am talking about! INFLATED.

Negative?

Oh yes.

I find it my duty to also inform you that ego is also a four-piece rock band from Northern Ireland. Pretty cool that a part of my psyche is a rock band. What does yours do? Does your ego build electric motor scooters?

Now I am more confused than ever.

Meeting limitations

2006-12-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

Why do people who make each other unhappy to a frightening degree stay together? Is it a matter of pride or principle? Are we afraid of shame? When is it okay to say this is enough and walk out? Or can we even admit it to ourselves that the person we are with is the one making us miserable? And even if the case may be that we are able to admit it, will we find the strength for leaving? Where does love start and where does it end? How do you know when it has ended and turned into a life sucking feeling making you long for something else? And what we so often long for is our self. You crave to be the one you had the potential to be before you slipped from your path and did what so many have done before you and will do after you. One morning you wake up and realise you have grown-up children with lives of their own. And they are not yours.

What would I not give to be a cat.

2006-12-14T05:40:00.000-08:00

What would I not give to be a cat
to roam along my own paths
in the evening come home to eat
fall asleep feeling at ease
I could avoid all the institutions
with the evil education they offer
life would be my teacher
I'd learn as I suffer

What would I not give to be a cat
to be free of expectations
and rejoice the moment I catch a small rat
I could be independent
and live on my own
I'd be my own master
necessity would show me
how to run faster

What would I not give to be a cat
to seek for the truth
in whatever I might do
I'd have nine lives to keep me safe
when I lose one another one will replace
no matter how I'm treated
I always land on my feet
and when it's time to fight
I'd do it with my nails and teeth

What would I not give to be a cat
you'd want to pet me whenever I'd show up
anytime I'd come around
it would suit your schedule
because you'd know I could be gone
in a matter of seconds
I would be loved
regardless of the condition my fur is in
and all of this is just the beginning

What would I not give to be a cat

Full of shit

2006-11-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

I was just in the bathroom and started thinking that when we were younger, didn't we all think that princesses don't shit? Why did we think that? Were they too pretty to take a shit? Then again, who gives a shit? Shit, get it..? Ha, man, I'm funny. Not.

Of the long lost love for "I"

2006-06-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

As a result of many fruitful discussions I have had at work, I will now meditate on some of the questions that have then popped up in my head. Let's say this is a tribute to my now former work place and my wonderful former co-workers.

As children, we consider ourselves beautiful, cute, extraordinary, special and all in all wonderful. We do not think of ourselves as ugly, fat, stupid, pathetic, nor incomplete in all possible aspects.

Is this because as children we are perfect and grow up to be so flawed or just because the expectations for us change as we grow older? I mean, a person once so innocent, sweet and pretty cannot possibly become as hiddeous of a being as we think we are. Or can we?

It is undeniable that we do more things that hurt others when we grow older. We get more selfish. The natural balance that comes so easily as a child seems to get disrupted very easily as years go by. But howcome we get so self-conscious? Where does all this self-hatered come from?

When you tell a little child that you are so cute, their instant reply is "I know am" or something of the sort. Nothing like the fastest reply that can be produced by an awkward grown-up, which is something like: "No I'm not... no.. stop saying stuff like that". When did we become so pessimistic about ourselves?

I for one have the tendency to joke about myself in terms of being beautiful and wonderful. I make up for the lack of self-esteem with sarcastic jokes about my beauty and wonder. It is in a sense to cover up the self-doubt that lives within. But as children we do not make sarcastic jokes about ourselves like this. When a 4-year-old says "Darn, I'm cute!" s/he is dead serious. I wish I could have that back. That genuine love for myself, which hasn't been contaminated by absurd expectations from the surrounding world.

Then again, there are days when I do look into the mirror and see myself for who I really am and I can sincerely tell myself that I love myself just as I am. Most of the time even that wonderous moment of at-onement with the universe can be utterly wrecked by other people. Darn it, maybe I should not leave the house at all then.

Wouldn't it be great to be able to live in your own little world with your own standards for things. It would not include people who bring you down but only people who assure you of your feelings of being a loveable creature. You could for ever hold onto that peace of mind and remain as innocent and sweet as you were on the day you were born.

Shit. Why isn't anything fun possible these days?!

Trust is knowledge

2006-06-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

What do we really know?

A question, which pops up in one's head often enough. Especially when the reliability of a person is being questioned. Like for most things there are explanations for this too. I am not in possession of one, though. Now I am merely wondering howcome I start questioning all I know just because I question one little thing. Fine, it is debatable, whether the thing is small or not.

When I question, for example what the kitchen lady at work told me there would be for lunch tomorrow, I start a chain of questions, which seems never-ending. This chain-reaction of the mind can be devastating and disastrous for one's mental stability or fruitful intro- and outrospection. I have at a point in my life started questioning just about everything I know because of one incident and it seemed to chuck me off the track completely. Now you can sigh "she never got back" or "that explains it"... Har har.

If I am to question a person's honesty, the first reaction I get is an urge to find out for sure. As we all know, that will start a vicious cycle, which makes you chase your tail endlessly.

It seems like a bit of a paradox really. "I think you might be lying, I want to know for sure if you are. So are you? No. Why should I believe you? Because I am telling the truth. But what is the truth?" Ahaa... See what I mean?

I believe there is not really anything we can know as such. There is just trust that we have in our free use and we can place it where we feel appropriate. You can choose not to place your trust in the atom-theory for example. Like I have, and oh, so conviniently it makes pretty much everything they tried to teach me in chemistry class useless and just plain lies. True beauty.

That is just the starters. It feeds my gradually growing contempt towards natural sciences, which over-simplify life in complex formulae. The truest of all problems with the distinctions between trust and knowledge, that I know of (yes, know of) is the problem of human complexity.

Quite frankly, there is no humanly possible way of acquiring factual knowledge about another person. Never will we ever be able to get into another person's head so sufficiently that we could state what we think we know of a person as true facts, i.e. knowledge.

With humans, we are only left with our trust. I trust you to tell me the truth. I trust you to be who you really are around me. Do you trust me? We can only know so much. Not even that really. We can trust in something, which makes it knowledge. One cannot impose trust. In this case the result should be that one could not impose knowledge either. But we do impose it upon others. If I believe that 1+1=11 instead of 1+1=2, I will be told by several individuals that I am wrong. How can I be wrong? I trust that 1+1=11 because in my head it makes perfect sense and it evokes the feeling of trust in me. Yet, most of the world's population would be on my back for being an idiot. We seem to think that the rule of trust does not apply when it comes to science.

Whether it does or does not is not my main concern right now. What I am concerned about is human relations.

Trust is an individual virtue. My trust cannot be shared with the boy next door. It is all mine and the controller of its use is no one but me. What makes us trust another person? Is there a so called rational explanation for it? I doubt it. Still, I find it interesting to look for patterns.

Is it possible to just decide to trust someone? Plain and simple. I think it is. I feel that it is very typical of me to set my mind on trusting someone. Just because I want to. The reason for me wanting to trust someone is out of this world, I reckon. If you do see this reason for my wants wandering around your neighbourhood, please send it to the following address:...

How do we even catch people for lying? When they say one thing to me and another thing to someone else? Maybe. Or is that necessarily lying? Because what is truth if not a flexible concept?

Can we be guilty of thinking that someone is lying when we are in fact not understanding what is being said to us? Definitely. Is it not the easiest way to reach a conclusion? It cannot be your fault, thus you understand everything perfectly. It must be lies. Or is it like that? I think it is in most cases far easier to think that you are being lied to rather than to think you are not comprehending.

A complex matter, in my opinion.

If I constantly pick up little bits and pieces from a person's speech, which contradict one another, does it mean the person is lying? Could be. What then when the person tells you s/he is not lying? Are you supposed to overlook all these contradicting factors? Here is where the trust steps into the scene. Now you are left with a choice. A though one, I might add. You can choose to trust the person because s/he told you that s/he is not lying. Or you can choose not to trust the person because there are too many things that do not add up.

Fair enough. But sometimes there are reasons for the little contradictions, which you pick up and assume to be lies. They might be hidden messages in disguise. Or they might not.

In the end the choice is yours. You can choose between trust and mistrust. People lie and there is nothing I can do about it. There is not only one solution that would work in all cases. You wish. I wish. Sometimes, though, it is good to give people the benefit of a doubt. If you do not find it in yourself to do that, it is understandable. Most of the time we cannot. But I can guarantee that there is nothing quite like the feeling of cracking the code. Being the Robert Langdon or Sophie Neuve in a person's mind and history. Find the right combination of words that give you the answer in between the lines. Fail and try again. Mix up the letters in the words to make yourself even more confused. Try to find the source of it all but keep your eyes on the prize. All the way. True beauty.

True.

The guilt of the selfish

2006-06-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

It is said that such a thing as healthy selfishness exists. When the word selfish is being referred to in any context, the connotation it has is in most cases negative. Now, I find myself wondering about the extent to which an act of selfishness can reach before it is regarded as something negative. Or should I in fact wonder what extent the healthy and more postive selfishness reaches? When is selfishness allowed?

Selfishness will always benefit you and only you. Maybe in the long run, in a distant way it might, I emphasise the word might, benefit someone else too but the effects would be minor. The bottom line with being selfish is that you do something because you want to and it will give you some form of satisfaction and happiness. Your main aim is not to do favours for others when you make a decision, which would be commonly regarded as selfish.

So, should guilt always follow as a side product of selfishness? Is the feeling of guilt an inevitable consequence for those who perform acts of selfishness? Not only the feeling of guilt in your own terms but guilt, which other people make you feel.

Is there a clear limit as to where the line is crossed between negative and positive selfishness?

And the thing that I am most curious about is when do you know when it is allowed for you to be selfish? How does one know? Who is going to tell you?

Well, at least I know what I'll be asking Santa for next Christmas...

"Dear Santa, I wish to receive a sign when selfish behaviour is recommended instead of condemned..."

Aggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrression.

2006-04-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Howcome I always manage to say the wrong things? I mean really, my ability to cock up relationships is quite phenomenal. I know I'm demanding as hell when it comes to friendship. But should I shut up about how I feel about the relationship for the sake of maintaining one that doesn't serve its purpose. It's not a functional relationship when one party keeps in touch and suggests things to do and gives of oneself but the other party is passive. Who gains from that? The first party does not gain anything unless living in a lie that there is a relationship there, which gives her/him something is something to gain. The second party won't gain anything from it either since it's obviously not in her/his interests to have a relationship with the first party. So it's a lose-lose situation. Plus minus zero. The frustration that hits the first party is disturbing, focus-catching. It's not like you could do anything to change the way the other feels. If he/she doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with you then what can you do? Sometimes people's interests just don't meet, a fact of life. Or is there something you can do? Is it your fault? Have you been too aggressive? Have you said or done something completely wrong? Wrong how? By being yourself? Saying what you think? Being honest? Do I need such a relationship? Why am I not good enough as I am? What am I supposed to be? Wat do you want me to change? Is it the way I talk or the way I think? Is it the way I look, the way I dress? For fuck's sake, what is it? Is it because of this? Am I being too obsessive? Too possessive? Am I suffocating you? Is it the fact that you don't understand me? Or the fact that I don't understand you? Is it because our views of most things differ? What did I ever do to make myself so repulsive? Ask a lot of questions? Ask too many questions? Questions that you didn't want to answer? Questions you didn't know how to answer? Did I bring up things you didn't want to think about? Why the hell won't you ever answer anything I ask of you? I won't die if you are honest! I want you to be honest. Tell me how annoying I am, how you don't like anything about me, how I am wrong, how ugly I am, how much I disgust you, how you hate me, how you don't want to have anything to do with me. Tell it to me. If you don't have what it takes to do it to my face I won't ask you to. Tell me in a letter, write me an e-mail, draw me picture, play me a song, perform a play or a sketch, sing a song, send a tape, spraypaint my car (on the second thought don't do that since my car is actually my mum's car, which I just happen to drive), send a messenger (and I promise not to shoot him/her)...
I don't normally need to define the type of relationship I have with someone, it just comes naturally but in this case I do. No, I need you to define it for me. Because at this moment I don't have the slightest clue where I stand. How can I be friends with someone who sees me only when I ask the person first, and even then if he doesn't have anything better to do? How am I supposed to feel about a person not making any effort? What am I supposed to think when I am just taken for granted? How I feel and what I think is the last of your priorities. Even your neighbour's cousin's girlfriend's grandma's second cousin's cat is of more importance! Is it not? Then why am I treated as so?
Actions really do speak louder than words. Thanks for really making me realise what the sentence meant. I know I can be difficult and I'm sorry. But who gave you the right to play games with my mind? If you don't know me then don't play games. You don't know what kind of games work and what kind of games fuck me up. Oh, sorry but you didn't care so I guess it's ok then. How can a person change his/her behaviour in an instance? I mean, I know how but one minute we're having fun and the next you don't give a fuck about me... I get really confused. I don't like confused. In my mind, that state is not an option to be considered.

--------------------------

I just received a phonecall from a real friend while writing this post. It calmed me down. Because she wants to listen and she wants to know how I feel and the best part is that she actually genuinely cares.

I don't need people in my life who don't give toss about me.

The Westerner's Nirvana

2006-03-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

So finally, after so many depressed months, weeks, hours, minutes and painfully long seconds I have reached nirvana. At last! Nirvana is mine! This is what it feels like. Happy. Me? Moi? Never. Or maybe yes.
I found out long ago that the key to happiness is rather simple when you put it in writing but when you try to emotionally force it upon yourself it fails miserably. Happiness in its essence to me is wanting what you have instead of just having what you want. If happiness was just about having what you want it would be an unreachable state of being. Maybe it is. In my mind, it is a very possible one, though. We have wants beyond our own imaginations. Our desire for things we don't have is endless. It never ends. That would mean there is no treasure at the end of the rainbow, i.e. no happiness to fulfill that emotional void. But settling for what you have here and now is a gateway to the Westerner's nirvana. Of course as greedy pieces of shit, sorry excuses for human beings, we will never stop wanting what we can't have. What we can do is to appreciate what we have. What I am talking about is pretty much an attitude disability, which mainly occurs in the Western parts of the world. We say we appreciate the clean water, the abundance of food, the warm and comfy houses, the endless choices in clothes, the possibility to educate ourselves... The hell we do. We take it for granted. Every single thing we have, we take for granted. Every sip of the Evian water, every film you saw, every bite of a Mars bar, every antibiotic you take... They just are. They're supposed to, right? Appreciate what you have. Right now. Don't imagine appreciating it, do it.
I have once discussed happiness with one of my beloved RCN comrades and he told me he doesn't believe in happiness. Fair enough. No matter how good his argumentations were, I still remained conviced of the idea that everything we human beings do in fact aims at happiness. The goal of all actions, the final result. Why would you do a single thing, why would you even get out from your bed if you didn't think there was something to achieve? And that something is happiness. Not only your own necessarily, might be others' too. But the happiness of others that you have contributed to gives you happiness as well, thus making your action for enhancing others' happiness the action of contributing to your own happiness.
Get me?
Oh, nevermind. Be happy.
I am.

Lessons in life.

2006-02-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

It's funny how much working with kids has already taught me. Some observations I have made during my 3 weeks as a kindergarten teacher are listed here.

1. Males start to play with their penises at a very early stage. It is something genetically built in them. Females should not make them feel guilty for constantly touching/playing with their package.
While putting a child (male) to sleep the other day I noticed his restlessness. I was wondering what was wrong. Did he go to the toilet before the nap? Does he need to pee now? What are those weird sounds he's making? Is he in pain? Does he have a stomach ache? What should I do? As I approached him, I realised he didn't have to pee, nor was he in pain... He was playing with his you-know-what. This boy is 3 years old.

While putting another little boy to sleep at work, I made the same observation. This one was a problematic child to begin with. One can never make him fall asleep the easy way (if there's such a thing in the first place). He has the tendency to throw away his duvet and pillow in a very violent manner and scream while others are actually trying to sleep. Fair enough, he is in fact younger than the others in his group. So there he was lying in his bed without a duvet. The next thing he decided to humour himself with was stripping. Just on the sidenote, the room they sleep in is as cold as Siberia in the winter. He started with his trousers, removing them swiftly, so swiftly that he removed his underwear as well. The underwear he put back on though. He threw the trouser away in a very showman type of way. He probably has a future in the Chippendales. He took his shirt off too. Only underwear and socks. Cute. Not really. Then he lied down in his bed saying "I, I, I, I, I...". Soon after lying down it started. There he went. He started pulling down his underwear so that his willy would come out, no, pop out. And after achieving this little spectacle he pulled them back up so that the willy got folded... And then down again. This one is 2 years old.

2. One can tell almost instantly how a child is in terms of personality. We all know they are definitely more straight-forward than adults but I do not consider it to be the same thing. There is a 4-year-old girl, who with the first look and movement of her right hand, convinced me that she is one of those little princesses who always get their way. When I had to put her to sleep, I knew I was in serious trouble. I was right.
One of the first kids I met was this one boy who gave me an over-confident grin. I could tell he was a clever one, even though he was obviously one of those who spends all his energy on clowning and goofing around. So easy to read.
I love kids for this quality because it makes them so easy to read. It's most of the time easy to predict their responses to things. And there I was thinking kids were unpredictable.

3. Males have a lousy taste in women from a very young age. This I have come to realise through mostly one girl and her 4 "boyfriends". This girl is the same little princess I mentioned in the previous section. She will be a hardcore bitch when she grows up, everyone at work agrees. Now, the 4 boyfriends are just the tip of the iceberg, as I have only worked there for 3 weeks. She is not nice to anyone. Not even to her boyfriends. She is not really pretty, sweet, nor charming. So why is it then that she is collecting all of the boys? Do all the boys just want to be recognised as her boyfriend because everyone else has already been, thus it has some sort of social value? What ever but bad taste in women must be in their genes as well since they make such dreadful choices when they're only 3 years old.

4. The up-bringing of children in today's Finland is alarming. These kids are the rudest I have ever met. They can be very sweet as well but most of the time they are completely lacking good manners and a sense for discipline. They never use the conditional voice when they want something. It's directly "I want! Give me! Do this! Go! Take!". I mean, if I had ever talked like that to anyone, my parents would have made me shut up until I said things the way they should be said. They hardly ever say "Thank you" nor "Please". Table manners are one thing I am concerned about as well. These kids eat with their mouths open, with food dripping from their mouths. Yummy. Try to have lunch in the same table with even one of them, not to mention 5 of them. Funfunfun. They need to be taught early enough, otherwise they just won't learn at all.
One of their biggest problems is aggressiveness. They hit and kick, they scream and yell. And when you punish them, they say you can't do it because they don't have to obey anyone or anything at home either. Great.
A lot of these kids are loved with money and gifts instead of time and actual affection. As the productivity level gets higher and higher, people get more and more stressed. Parents have to put in extra hours at work and yes, maybe those extra hours pay a bit of extra but that extra cash comes staright out of their children's up-bringing. I don't blame the parents that much though, it's the general atmosphere that feeds this kind of pattern of behaviour. It's just very obvious with some kids that their parents really don't have much time for them and they try to fix it by buying a lot of nice things for them. And as the parents feel guilty for spending so little time with their kids, they often feel that they can't refuse anything from their kids. The kids always get what they want and they never learn to appreciate the things they have. As a result they become obnoxious, disobedient and disrespectful. I don't think the parents meant it that way but that's the result.

Those were my main points. I can just finish off by saying:

Thank God, I was never like that myself!

57 seconds of patheticness at a play school

2006-02-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

So I have started work in the English speaking play school now. It's a whole lot nicer than I thought it would be. I feel useful and needed and it never gets boring, there is always something to do.
But this post is not going to be too long, I just want to share a very shocking and traumatising realisation I had at work a few days ago.
The kids very eating their snack, they get it after the nap. Well, I was on kitchen duty and had to make sure all the kids finish eating and get their dishes into the dishwasher. There were only two kids left in the dining room, a three-year-old boy and a three-year-old girl. They were sitting next to each other in the same table. They hadn't even nearly finished eating. They were constantly staring at each other with these stupid grins on their faces. Yuk. But at the same time so sweet. I didn't feel at all bad nor pathetic at this point. Not at all. Mostly amused. Well, as they were most definitely not concentrating on eating, I went over to them and tried to tell them that the other kids had already been playing for more than half an hour. I encouraged them to finish their snacks and then join the other kids, so I could finally finish the dishes and the rest of the cleaning and go home. The second I took a step away from those two kids, they held each others' hands and smiled and the girl told the boy to repeat the words OH MAMMA MIA. And they said it together. Oh god damn fucking mamma sodding mia! Then the girl moved her head closer to the boy's... Oh God, please don't let them kiss in front of me! I figured that God might think differently so I just turned around to I avoid seeing the utterly sugary scene of two kids kissing. And as I turned around the girl said: you know, we're holding hands... The boy just made this accepting sound, which let me know that he was just about as close to ecstasy as he'll ever get. Then the girl (who seems to be doing all the talking here) says: when we hold hands, it means that we're going to get married. The boy just giggled a bit and so did the girl and then the boy just goes: we're going to be married now.

I froze. I fucking froze.

I stood there, my back towards the two kids and couldn't move.

Oh my fucking God. These two three-year-olds have more things going on in their love lives than I do!

How pathetic is that?!

I'll tell you how pathetic it is.

VERY!

I'll tell you what you want for Christmas

2005-12-23T15:34:00.000-08:00

What is love? What is life? Who came up with these shit concepts? Why? Why is someone incredibly dear to me about to get hurt in a matter of days and I know it and he doesn't? Why am I obsessing about the whole thing even though it's basically none of my business? I should be there to kind of fix the damge with my care, right? Well, if there's anything to fix or save after a while... I thought I didn't understand men but I just don't understand people. I think I'd be better off as a hermit. I don't think I like people anymore. How can we be this disgusting?
Some people I just don't get because their ways of thinking make no sense to me whatsoever.
Some people I just don't like because of the things they do, and even worse, I understand why they do it.
Some people I just can't stand because we're too much alike, I understand, I like and all of this to an unhealthy extent.
Some people I simply loathe and that's because they have no spine.
I hate being the moralising echo of a nagging mother or an accusing priest but sometimes I feel it's needed. If no one has nothing to say and everybody just stands back then where does that leave us? At least I spoke my mind.
Now it appears that my main problem is in fact those people of the latter kind: SPINELESS. What kind of people do I consider spineless then? To some of you prejudice-embracing-kind-of-people I will clarify one thing: NO, I do NOT think that a premicuous person is automatically spineless. So there.
Spineless people take no risks. They know they might hurt others and themsleves but still they don't take any risks because they simply don't have the backbone for that.
Spineless people don't fully appreciate the kind of sacrifices other people have made for them. When it comes time for payback spineless people find easier and more convenient things to do.
Spineless people pretend. They don't have what it takes to stand behind what they believe in without the support of the so called right people.
Spineless people lie. They lie not to ease anyone else's mind but their own. And what's worse, they're bad at lying too.
Spineless people hide behind facts and numbers and statistics. That figures, they never had the guts to live their lives anyways.
Spineless people make perfect sense. But the moment you understand them, you wish you didn't.
And I must say that lately, it has been SPINELESS PEOPLE and SPINELESS PEOPLE ALONE who have made my life difficult.

Shame on you spineless people.
Ask for some backbone for Christmas.

Oh stop egetusmeisterising!

2004-12-22T14:05:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why I am writing this. Why do I have a blog? Darn, I have given up all my ideals for weird internet-related phenomenon... First there was the friend test and I created one in the utter boredom, which one can only experience in Flekke. Well, that's it, I thought. It can't get any worse. Then I get this insane impulse to create a blog... Oh dear. I'm a lost cause aren't I. For about 3 seconds I thought having a blog is a fun idea (and that's pretty much how long it took me to create one) and badabing. Done. Emmi has a blog. I have no clue what I'm going to write about but I shall come up with something extremely useless since I want the blog to reflect my true essence. Suffer,you, who ever read this!